I lost one.

I have 3 children but I lost one. It sounds like when you lose your keys or you can’t remember where you put something but no he’s just gone. My world as a mother of 3 ended on August 5, 2015. I then became a mother of 2. I find it strange to say those words. I feel like that is not how my life was supposed to go.

My children are my world. I have/had a son named Drew Alexander Lighthall he was born May 1, 1995. I was then blessed with a daughter Madison Leigh on June 3, 1999. The birth of my daughter made my family feel complete. I had my son and daughter and the world was one. The relationship with my first husband did not survive so I raised them on my own with the help of family and friends. It is true of that saying that it takes a village. I remarried and was blessed with a miracle baby Molly Brynne on September 18, 2012. That is when  became a mother of 3. It feels good to say that but as we all know life does not stay the same and it happened… minus one.

I have heard stories that when something happens to your children you will know. You can feel them all the way to your bones. I never felt this coming. I never felt him leave me. It is a guilt I live with everyday. Was I not a good enough mother? Did I not love him enough to feel him leave me? I may never know but I do know that I did my best and just hope it was and is enough.

Wednesday August 5, 2015 started as any other day. Get up and start your day, take the baby to daycare go to work. It was beautiful and sunny looking back I think I would feel better knowing there was a storm on the horizon. Then I could think that there were some signs that my world as I knew it was going to end. I go to work and do all the tasks that I had to do. I pick up chinese take out for lunch and try to call my mom to see how it’s going. I finally talk to her about 11 or so and all is well with the world. We have taken on a big case at work so I am going through papers that need to be organized, eating poptarts at my desk. At sometime after 3 I get a call from my Mom telling me I need to come home. I ask her what is wrong and she says “Sharon, you need to just come home now”. I knew at that point something horrible happened. Never had a clue it was Drew. I throw everything in my purse and tell my boss I have to go and go now! I race to my car and see that I have a missed call from my Mom’s neighbor Papa. I call him back and I ask him whats going on. I told him I just need to know. He tells me the words as parent you never want to hear. “Sharon, Drew is dead”. I look at my phone and just start screaming. I can’t stop screaming in the parking lot at work. I fall to my knees, no this can’t be true, how can this be true. Drew is 20, he isn’t sick, how can he be dead. People start looking at to why this woman is screaming, how can they not know that my baby is dead. My boss is going to take me to my Mom’s but then I think I need the car seat. I will need to pick up Molly from daycare. I call Papa back and beg him not to let them take Drew till I get there. I have to see him, I have to see for myself that this horrible conversation is a mistake.

I don’t remember most of that drive, I do remember driving fast, too fast. I am lucky I did not get a ticket or worse get into an accident. I pull into the driveway at my Mom’s and there are so many emergency vehicles. Firetrucks, police, and an ambulance, maybe there is hope. The truth Papa spoke was wrong. If there is an ambulance there is hope. I run to the door everyone is looking at me, I see the fear in their eyes, the pity. I run in and there are so many people in that little house but I see him, I see Drew laying in the doorway to the bedroom. I once again start screaming. No, No, No this can not be happening. He’s asleep, he’s passed out, he can not be dead. Someone comes to me and puts arms around me and tells me that he has been gone for hours and there was nothing anyone could do. Gone for hours…. how did I not know? I did I not feel my first born leave me? I felt him from the moment of conception. I felt him grow inside me and I felt him come into this world. How could I not feel him leave this world!?

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