Triggers

You never know how far someone has intertwined into your soul till you lose them. When they are alive you take so many things for granted. Their smiles, the dimple in their chin and the sparkle in their eye when they had come up with a plan to “get” you. As a parent you know all the way to your marrow the love you have for your children but quite honestly you don’t feel that more than when they are no longer with you.

Drew was such a central part of our lives. He loved being the center of attention and if he wasn’t at the time he made sure he ended up being. He was a young adult and was just starting his own life. He worked full time and tried to keep the ever important social life standing. When you are young those things are so important so family got pushed to the back burner. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me not to see him but every couple of weeks. Usually when he was either broke or hungry. He had a knack of knowing when I was making fried chicken. We would joke and say that he had a food radar. As a parent and you are trying to let your children grow and find their identity as an adult you (hopefully) back off a little and just keep showing them in the little ways that no matter what you are going to be there for them.

Drew had been making this transition for a few years since he went off to college. We had family trips he couldn’t go on because of work or school and even last years Christmas photo’s that he didn’t get in. I look back and wonder if it’s harder now because I didn’t see him everyday or is it easier. The thing about Drew is even if he wasn’t with us he would still be apart of everything. I have noticed it so much more now that he’s gone.

I went back to zumba this week for the first time since having the Molly. Yea I know she’s 3 but it took me awhile to get the motivation. I cried the whole time. I am sure I looked like a crazy lady. When I was going to zumba before I tried talking anyone and everyone into going with me. A friend of mine went with me and said that she knew of easier ways for me to kill her than that class. Madison went with me and seemed to enjoy it and Drew went with me. He only went a few times but the whole time I was in the studio I kept seeing his goofy self next to me. Drew was such a ham and made everything into a party or a joke. He would do funny faces, put things on his head (especially underwear) and just generally be a clown. Going to zumba with me was no exception with his antics. There was this one class in town that I particularly liked. It was glow in the dark zumba so the lights were off and we exercised to a black light and glow sticks. Drew proceeded to do naughty things with the glow sticks and he would do exaggerated moves to the dance. He was doing such crazy things that I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. So when I decided to go back to zumba I never thought it would be a trigger to my tears. He was just such a part of everything I am and was.

Triggers can be anything and come at the strangest times. I was cleaning out my purse and found the ticket stub to Jurassic World, it was the last movie we saw together. He was so excited to see it. He loved dinosaurs from the time he could pick up one. We have probably seen the other movies at least 200 times. I made us all shirts to go see the movie and we had a great time. So when I was holding this old ticket stub in my hand at that moment it was not just a printed piece of paper it was memory and my tears started flowing. I haven’t made fried chicken since Drew has been gone, I’m not sure that I will be able to for a long time. I hear a car stereo bumping down the road and my heart flutters thinking I will see him at any moment.

I know right now I am so new on this journey that it will take me time to feel his whisper and be able to smile more when I think of him. Right now every inch of me hurts from longing something I can’t have. I hope the future brings me less triggers and more smiles of his goofy self.

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