1/4……

1048454_4982534002618_469504826_oIt’s been 3 months since Drew died. 3 months in normal time does not seem like that long. 3 months is .25 of a year, 13 weeks, 90 days roughly (99 days exactly for me),  2190 hours, or 131,400 minutes. It can be really long when you are counting down the hours and minutes since the last time you saw your son. Most butterflies and dragonflies only have a lifespan of 3 months. Yes 3 months is a long time.

So much has happened in these 3 months. Molly turned 3, 10th grade started for Madison, and I found out I could live with a broken heart. When I first heard the that he had died I did not know how I would survive. The pain was and is unbearable at times. I’ve cried so many tears I am sure I stay dehydrated because of it. Then you realize you will survive. You have to because someone has to be the bearer of his name and memory. There will never be another person in this world that held his heart inside their bodies. I have to go on so I can tell people that Drew Alexander Lighthall lived and he mattered and he still matters to the me and the ones that love him.

Drew lived a lot of life in 20 years. You may not have known him but you should have. He was kind and generous. He was thoughtful and respectful. He was smart and funny. He was stubborn and he hated to feel like I was disappointed in him. He was far from perfect. Drew had his faults also. He would pick on Madison till she cried and then would get mad because he didn’t understand why he was in trouble. He was lazy, if you would let him get away with less he would. He was just on the cusp of growing out of that. He wouldn’t do his school work till the last minute and then bat those baby blues and get an A. People had a hard time saying no to him. He always thought that was his biggest asset, I think it was his biggest downfall. Drew was not the easiest child to raise. From the time he could say “I know” he knew everything. He was a kid that was going to learn from his mistakes. He was not going to listen to my “advice”. Looking back on his interactions as he got older I realized he had been listening to me the whole time. I was too frustrated to see it. 411790_426438747379692_120869049_o

Drew had so much charisma. He could be friends with anyone and everyone. He did not care if you were black, white, Hispanic, or purple. If you treated him and others with respect and courtesy he would do the same for you. He had a very strong sense of fairness instilled into him. He has always been that way since as long as I can remember. We would go to the playground when he was little and he would look for the kids that had no one to play with and those would be the kids he would want to play with. He felt like everyone should be treated fairly and without hate in their heart. This quality of his is what I was the most proud of. I think some of this came from the fact that he would get picked on when he was younger and he never wanted anyone else to feel as bad as he did. He showed this quality with his father as he got older. He accepted his father for who he was on the outside and did not care what others thought. His heart was amazing.

I wish he was here so I could tell him all these things. I wish I didn’t wait till he died to say it. I thought I had more time. I thought I showed my pride in my actions. He had so much more to do. He had a life he needed to live and I just assumed that he would be able to live it.

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