Preparing

If anyone knows me they know I like to plan things early. I will start planning parties months ahead of time because I hate to feel like I am running behind. I love to plan things, I love to make sure everything for the event is as perfect as I can get it. Now it doesn’t always work out that way. For the most part I am OK if it doesn’t work out the way I planned.

The holidays are no exception to my insistent planning. I will start my menu for Thanksgiving the last week in October. I will make homemade pie crusts a few weeks before and freeze them. I will make my dough for my rolls and the whole nine yards. I love to cook and bake but more than that I love it when I make things my family likes. Drew loved food. He was a equal opportunity lover of food. Pretty much the only thing he did not like for Thanksgiving was stuffing. He would ask me a few weeks before the holiday if I was going to make stuffed jalapenos or if I was going to make my sausage rolls. He would get so excited to know I was making his favorite foods.

This will be our first Thanksgiving without Drew and I am trying to prepare myself. I’m not sure how I can do that but in my mind if prepare for the day maybe it won’t be too bad. I know I am deluding myself. Thanksgiving will never be the same for me again. I know I need to celebrate. Even in my fog of grief I know I have so many things to be thankful for. I just don’t know if I have the heart to do the whole “traditional” Thanksgiving. Molly and Madison deserve to see that life goes on and one of those ways is to make sure that we don’t ignore it hoping the day will just disappear.

It’s one of the things to my new life that I have to get used to. I will always miss Drew, there is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of him. I don’t think any amount of time will make this easier. This is my new reality bolstering myself up to get through one more thing that Drew is not there for. I have a hard time trying to wrap that around my mind. I do not want to do all these things without him. I don’t think there is any amount of preparing that is going to make this bearable this year or every year after.

This is why this year we are thinking of doing something “untraditional” maybe a BBQ or chinese food. Maybe we will even go out to dinner. I do know I can not stand the thought of making a pumpkin pie or cooking a turkey this year. It’s not about what is on the table it is about the hearts of your family and friends and acknowledging the pain. Without the pain you would not know the joy of what you have lost. So my hope for this Thanksgiving is to tell the people close to me that I love them and that I am thankful that they are in my life. I hope that Madi and Molly see that even when I am sad I am thankful they are still with me. I am thankful I am their mother. I am thankful I have a family around me and friends that care deeply.

So remember I will be sad, I will be longing but that does not mean that I am not not wanting to have the moments to treasure of everyone else. As a dear friend wrote in a letter to me you are not promised tomorrows and you need to be present today to make the memories.

Thanksgiving 2012. Both my babies crashed
Thanksgiving 2012. 2 of my babies crashed
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