Yesterday it had been 4 long months since I saw his smiling face. It has been 4 long months since I got a text from him asking how my day is going. It’s been 4 long months since he got to pick on Madison and make her holler that he was squishing her. It’s been 4 long months since he got to ask Mema to tickle his back.
It’s also been 4 long months since I was whole. It’s been 4 months since my smile on my face was not forced so people will think I’m o.k. It’s been 4 months since it wasn’t a struggle to be happy. 4 months is really not that long of a time. It takes more than 4 months for them to be in your womb and take their first breath. The concept of time is just so different now that he is gone. Most days it feels like he has been gone forever and the huge whole in my heart will forever be raw and aching. Grieving is, I assume, quite a bit like being bi-polar. One minute I can think of him and smile and enjoy the warmth that comes from his love and the next minute I can’t breath because the pain from his death is more than I can handle.
I’ve been asked the last several weeks if I “feel better” when people talk to me. I think to myself I wasn’t “sick”. I didn’t have a bad day or all those things that happen that you would feel better about when it resolves. My son died. My oldest child, only son, and one of the pieces of my heart is gone. He will never be back and I will never “feel better”. I will have days that people will not be able to see my grief. I will have days that it is easier to live with the whole. But No I do not feel better that he is gone. No I don’t feel better that I will never see him get married, be a father, or eat all the food in my fridge. I know these people do not understand what their words mean to my heart. That when they ask me this I hear, Drew is not “worth” grieving for.
I do hope these well wishers never have to go through what I have had to go through. I hope they never have to know the pain of losing a child. I think that most people have no idea what the words said to us grieving parents make an impact on our hearts and minds. In the 4 months that Drew has been gone people have put him to the back of their minds. His life now is just someone they knew that died. It’s not that easy for me. He is always always on my mind. Some days it is more than others. I go to the store and walk past the frozen food aisle and see Hot Pockets and it reminds me of him. I hear a car going thump thump with the music and wish it was him. I cuddle my 3 year old because she tells me she is sad that Bubba died. He is and will always be a part of me. I am his messenger now. I am the person in charge of making sure his memory stays alive. I am not taking this job lightly. I may even be slightly obsessed. I have found that this is how I am coping, grieving and honoring him.
Thankfully I was very busy yesterday so I did not have time to dwell on what day it was but Drew was very much in my heart.It was actually mid morning when I realized it was the 5th. I was doing a craft fair and one of my former hair clients had come up to me to tell me how sorry they were to hear about Drew dying. It hit me at that moment that it had been 4 months. I was able to get through the day with minimal tears. In some ways that is good, in some ways I wonder if I am doing him a disservice by not acknowledged his impact on my life every moment of every day. I do know that I did a pay it forward in Drew’s honor and told people of my wonderful son and that is all I ca do. I hope that the people that hear of Drew and the things that are done in his honor will want to do more also. I hope that I can bring more light and love to the world because of my love for my wonderful son.