The Holidays are in high gear. I see the people running around like crazy looking for the perfect gift for their loved ones. I see the excited looks on the children’s faces as the excitement of the holiday starts to crescendo. But I feel as if I am floating through it all. I’m trying to go through the motions. I want to be present, to be grounded. It’s just one of the many things I am struggling with lately. I find myself not really hearing what people are talking to me about. I forget the simplest things, to pick up milk or to go to return phone calls. When I do these things it makes me angry at myself. I feel like I should be able to do these normal everyday things.
I scour the internet for articles on grief and the loss of a child. I feel the need to hear the stories of others. In some way it is so I don’t feel so alone. Grief can be so lonely. Every person’s grief is different, every person reacts differently to grief. The one thing I have learned is there is only so much one mind can take. That is why we get spacey. At least that is what the internet tells me.
In the 4 months that Drew has been gone I have found that I need to make time to reflect on him. If I don’t make the time his memory will over power me and makes it hard to keep going. He deserves my time to do this. I gave him my time when he was alive and I need to to do this now. I am hoping if I do this I can be more present for the girls. I need to make a “space” for Drew. I need someplace I can “talk” to him.
The hardest part of losing Drew is I feel totally disconnected from him. Even when he was away from me I could feel him thinking about me. I would usually call him and he would say “Hey Mama I was just thinking about you”. My heart and mind are completely silent. The silence is what gets me the most. I desperately need to hear his murmur of love. I am hoping soon I can be open enough to hear it again. I hope that when Drew is ready he will talk to me again.
Speaking of Drew talking, this kid never shut up. He even talked in his sleep. When he was in elementary school his notes from his teachers would always say “Drew is highly intelligent but likes to talk with his class mates too much.” When he would go fishing with his Uncle you could hear Bud say “Drew, shut up and fish”. We even got him a hat for Christmas one year with that saying on it. This kid never met a stranger he would talk to anyone and everyone. He had no problems talking in front of a crowd either. Drew was a great listener too. You wouldn’t think he would be as much as he talked but he would listen to someone fully. If you were having a conversation with him you could tell that no only was he listening but he cared about what you were saying. Those are the qualities I am hoping people will come to find out about Drew. I hope I can show the world what a wonderful guy he was.