This week has been so hard. The lights, the hustle and the bustle, the knowing I will not see his face Christmas morning. I had been able to push it all aside to get things done till Sunday. I’m sitting in church and they are singing the most beautiful songs and it hit me. My son is gone, dead, never to be seen again in this life. I started crying like a baby and couldn’t stop crying all day. I am sure everyone at church thought I was some loon. I have a hard time keeping myself together while at church. I don’t know if its because I am feeling the spirit of the Holy Ghost or that it the one time I let myself slow down and have a moment to reflect on all that has happened in the last 5 months. It is one of the many reasons I have to force myself to go to church. I love my church family and am so grateful for all they have done and do for me but the wandering of my mind is some times too much.
If you have ever lost a child and you have living children you know you still have to take care of them and that life marches on. You still have to do the everyday things to keep your family going. I have to paste a smile on my face and go to the grocery store, pump myself up and clean the bathroom. Normal everyday activities take me twice as long to do. I have found that once my mind goes to the dark place I am stuck there for the day. I will cry for the rest of the day. I try not to lose it around the girls not because I don’t want them to see my cry but I don’t want them to think they have to take care of me. It scares Molly, I’m sure it brings up memories of the sadness the enveloped us before we found the strength to tell her Drew died. She will ask me if I am sad about Bubba dying and I will tell her “yes I am sad that Bubba died but oh so happy that she is here with me”. Madi will sit a little closer to me and kind of have that look on her face like she knows she needs to do something but she doesn’t quite know what to do. If you know Madi her being able to pick up on body language and feelings is a huge step for her. I just feel so guilty that she feels she has to “take care” of me. If the girls only knew that they are my life line, they are the reason I am getting up every morning and not succumbing to my grief. I am so blessed to have them still and I know that any moment that can be taken away from me also.
It terrifies me to think that I can lose another child. I am scared all the time that they will disappear also. When I became a mother I always had those thoughts in the back of my mind never enough to think that horrible things could really happen to me or my family. Now I know that no matter how much I do to protect them it could all go away. In some ways it has made me more grateful for them and a better mother but in other ways I am a ball of anxiety every time they are out of my sight.
The other thing that is a life line is getting Drew’s pay it forward going. I feel like if I can’t get this going then his memory will just disappear. I never had him and the last 20 years has been a dream. Is this a rational thought? No, but it consumes me. Drew was such a great kid and I want everyone to know how sweet his heart was. He loved to see people smile and he wanted to make sure the people around him were happy, even if he felt broken and cracked himself. One of his sweet friends made this comment “I know that Drew would want us to help out whoever needs it because that’s what kind of guy he was. I will think in more detail. But Drew was the best person I’ve ever met. Even if he had no idea who you were he would still manage to come talk to you just because he wanted to make sure you knew you were never alone. I know he was my best friend. He was kind, generous, funny, smart, and well all around someone that you couldn’t resist being close to. He was someone who gave you a shoulder to cry on even though he was going through something also. He put his needs behind everyone else’s because he wanted to help anyone and everyone. He makes people want to be a better version of them selves but also is there to encourage you. He know no matter what is decided it is important because Drew was the sun to dark days and he would want us to spread that sunshine to others and help them through the dark times” A.S
She knew the true Drew, the Drew that I want everyone to know. So I beg, plead, and implore keep spreading his kindness, his love and especially his name. If you haven’t posted on his Facebook page please do. Reading the stories make me strong enough to go on. I don’t want my sweet boy to disappear. I want everyone to know he was here and he mattered, he loved, and most of all he was LOVED!!!!!!!!!
Facebook page: Pay it Forward for Drew Lighthall