Here it is Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung, stories were read, and cookies were left out. The kids have gone to bed and it’s on to the real work for parents on Christmas Eve. I sit here thinking of Christmas’ past and start to tear up.
All the Christmas’ I spent staying up all night putting together “easy to assemble” toys. The rushing around looking for that one particular toy or video game. I loved Christmas. I loved seeing the looks on the kids faces when they saw Santa came. Darn Santa always brought the best presents. I remember Drew’s 1st Christmas like it was yesterday. He was 6 months old and he was just starting to toddle around. I had worked so hard to make sure everything was perfect when I realized I had forgotten the stocking stuffers. It was 11 o’clock at night on Christmas Eve and of course nothing was open. So me and his Dad went to All sup’s to see if we could find things to put in his stocking. This may have been how his love for beef jerky started. As you can imagine the selection at the convenience store was not ideal for a 6 month old. We ended up with Cheetos, beef jerky and a lollipop. I remember crying in the car on the way back telling Jeff that I was a horrible mother and will probably scar him for life. He told me the only person that will remember this night is you so don’t worry. He is right, I am the only one who remembers. I didn’t scar him over the strange mix of things in his stocking. Knowing this did not stop my feeling of having Christmas morning perfect after that.
This is our first Christmas without Drew. I didn’t shop for him, although I found many many things he would have loved. I didn’t make his favorite candies or cookies. To be honest, I didn’t bake at all this season. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Madison made the cookies this year. I feel the loss of Drew everyday but tonight, right now I am in pieces.
Madison wrote the letter to Santa this year. Drew is usually the one that writes it for both of them so she took over. This is what she said and you will know why I am in a puddle.
Dear Santa, I hope you had a good ride. This time we have a new fan of yours named Molly. I hope you have a safe ride home too. Molly would like some Palace Pets and books. For my Mom I would like her to be happy and not sad. I want her pain to be less and that goes for the rest of my family. I want my family to be happy and not to suffer from the pain as much. If you can I would love card fight cards and Yugioh. But the most important is that my family stay together.
Love, Madi and Molly
To know my darling girl is worried about me just tears me up. I try hard to put on a brave face around them but I guess I am not doing a good enough job. I know there is only so much I can hold in. They need to see that I am grieving, that I miss their brother more than I can ever put into words. They don’t need to think they need to take care of me, it is my job to take care of them. I guess I need to find a balance in this messy process. I want them to know that I am sad that Drew isn’t here but I want them to know and feel in their bones how thankful I feel that they are still here.
So tomorrow morning I am going to wake to another day and be thankful that I did. I am going to watch the girls see magic in wrapping paper and try to be happy for a few moments because apparently not only do they need that, I need that too. I know Drew is here with us in spirit and he will push me along when I don’t think I am strong enough.