The whole novel….

I haven’t written a post in a long time. I think I have been trying to keep myself super busy that way I don’t have time to think of all I have lost this year. Wow….it’s almost been a year. This has been the longest year of my life and the shortest. I have been dreading the year anniversary. It is just one more step where I have to acknowledge the finality of Drew not being here. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that he is not just somewhere visiting or at school. There are some days I even imagine him in all these great places this past year. I sometimes imagine he got his dream job and he is travelling all around the world. Those moments make me happy till reality smacks me in the face and I remember how far from the truth that is.

In the beginning writing the blog helped me. It got all the swirling thoughts of mine out and not trapped in my head. Writing about him, about our before’s and writing about our after’s do take a toll on me. I’ve been trying to write this entry for well over a week. There are so many things that I need to say and so many things that I feel the only way to convey them is through writing them down. Grief is a long and lonely road. Even if you have people on the same path as you, the journey is never the same. No one ever loved Drew the way I did and do. I don’t mean that as I was the only one that loved him, I mean that my love for him is not the same as his grandmother’s, sisters, or anyone else. That is the great thing about love, it’s like a fingerprint, each love is unique and made just for that one person. It doesn’t mean one is better than the other it is just different. No one will know what it is like to feel his heartbeat inside them. No one will ever know the feel of him growing from the inside out.

Drew was so very special and lucky that so many people loved him and the great thing about him was that each person loved him for a different reason. He could be so many different things to each person. He adapted and somehow unconsciously knew what each person needed from him. Whether that was his soft fuzzy side or his funny goofy side. Looking back he was a chameleon of sorts. He was very intuitive as to what people needed from him and he was able to provide it. It’s a rare trait for someone to be able to know what you need and be able to give it. When I talk to people that have been touched by Drew in his short 20 years that is what I am most amazed about. I always knew he was a great kid. I knew he had a heart of gold and would give his shirt of his back, but it’s been so nice to hear the amount of love and joy he gave to people just because.

Now that we have hit a huge landmark in this “after” I worry that I will forget the little things. I worry I will forget what his laugh sounds like and how his dimple in his cheek would be more pronounced when he was fibbing. I worry that I will forget what his hugs felt like and just the amount of loved that oozed off that boy. I tried telling someone my fears a few weeks ago and they scoffed at the idea. They told me that I wouldn’t forget that I am just worrying myself over nothing. What they don’t understand is that my memory sucks. I have such a hard time remembering things that happened last week much less several years ago. My mind just shoves all the stuff it feels like I’m done with and dumps it. I am then left with the Cliff Notes of my life and memories. I don’t want the Cliff Notes of Drew I want the whole novel. I want to remember ever detail. I want to remember every smell. I don’t want to forget it. I know I will remember quite a bit but that’s just not enough. I want to selfish, I want it all. That is why I like to hear other people tell me about Drew. I like to hear things about him that maybe I didn’t know. I’m hope I am tricking my brain into not dumping those.

As I finish writing this post it has hit midnight…it’s been one year since my Drew died. It’s been one year of tears, struggles, and heartache. My hope is that people can remember Drew and all the great things that he was. I hope that I can be a strong enough memory keeper for him. I hope that my lose of my beautiful boy will turn into great things for others. Keep telling me and others your stories of Drew. As long as his name is on out lips he will never be truly gone.

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