Time…

The calendar has moved to another month. I hate every single time I have to change the calendar to another month. The very act of turning that page makes my stomach hurt, it makes me physically ill.  In the beginning I hated it because it was another month closer to that year mark. I dreaded and braced myself for that moment.  I thought I would feel better after the year mark. Nah, that is not the case. In some ways we are worse off than we were a year ago this time. Time is not my friend, it the enemy to my soul. It is the force that makes me realize my pain will never go away. death-changes

We have passed the one year anniversary of Drew’s death. I hate calling it an anniversary. There should be another word for dates of such horror that all you want to do is forget that particular day is even on the calendar.  Anniversary’s are something that deserves celebrating something that brings joy. The date you got married, the date you started your new job, the date that something wonderful happened to you. August 5 is not one of those dates. That is the day my life forever changed. That is the day that death came knocking on our families door. That is the day my girls lost their big brother, my mother lost her grandson, my grandmother lost another great-grandson. It is not a joyful date. I don’t want to celebrate that my son is no longer here with me. I don’t want to have a date I fear for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I do have one date that can bring me to my knees.

They told me in the beginning that time will heal all wounds. Time will make it more bearable. It’s not true. We just learn to live with the pain. We find ways to keep us busy so we don’t have to think about it. We are now going into the holidays. Last year, it was the first of everything’s. The first Thanksgiving without Drew, the first Christmas, we have passed all the firsts. I think that is sadder. Molly now has had as many birthdays without her brother as she had with him. She won’t know how much joy he got from her. He won’t know how he loved to shop for her. Or how he loved to come home early in the morning so she would wake up and smile at him. We will tell her these things but we all know that is not the same thing as having your own memories of someone.

Madi has started another school year without her brother. She has to navigate the depths of high school without his advice and guidance. I worry so much for her cause unlike Molly, Madi has so many memories of Drew and not all of them are great. They liked to fight, they liked to argue. What she had he wanted and vice versa. I would hear all the time that I always took so and so’s side. It just depending on who was hollering the loudest at the time. She won’t get to see how her and her brother’s relationship would grow as they got older. She won’t be able to have him at her graduation like she was there for him. She won’t have him for any other life moments. We are just filled with the longing of things we can not have.

The longing for more time is the worst part about time going on. Time goes on and all the memories I have of Drew is all I have. There will be no new ones. I miss him, my girls miss him, my family misses him. He was such a big part of our lives and poof he is gonegrief-and-going-on and there is no more time.

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