Birthday weekend….

 

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Once again this time of year came around. Tomorrow would/is Drew’s 22nd birthday. This year it fell on Monday which means had he been here we would have been partying all weekend. It also means life will go on tomorrow whether I want it to or not. I have work to go to, baseball games to play, and school for Madi.  He loved his birthdays and I loved celebrating one of my greatest joys. I loved looking at him year after year in awe and wonder with the fact I was chosen to be this wonderful person’s mother.

Now I am sitting at home crying till I can’t breathe wondering what on earth did I do to deserve this pain. How did my life get so far off track that I am having to go through this. All week I kept telling myself I should be lucky that I had him for 20 whole years. There are parent’s out there that didn’t get that much time. I kept telling myself I need to remember how much I love him and how much he loved me. I tried…..but I am just not there yet.

I feel cheated. I should have had more time with him. I feel like the life I envisioned and the life he deserved was cruelly taken away. I feel shattered. I see his friends getting married and having kids and I know he will never get to experience that. I feel anger because he KNEW better and the people around should have too. I feel lonely because he gave the best hugs and truly loved to hear how I was doing. I feel ashamed because I should have stopped it. I feel tired for having to be strong all the time if not for me for the girls so they can have “normal’ childhood. I feel all this love for him that has no where to go.

I know this sounds like a pity post and I’m sorry but right now at this moment I am having a hard time seeing my silver lining. I am just a mother that is missing her son and all that he was to me, to his sisters, his family and friends.

If I knew how this story would end and I was giving the choice to still be his mother I would. I would love him more. I guess that is one of the reasons we don’t know when our loves will leave. But I would choose to be his mother because in his 20 years he taught me more than I ever could have without him. I just hope that he would choose me.

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