There are so many things that suck about losing a child. You have so many regrets and wishes and dreams that won’t be fulfilled.
Each time they handed me my brand new babies for the first time I snuggled them close and smelled their wonderful new smell. I also whispered all my hopes and dreams for them. I hoped that they are happy and healthy. I hoped that they experience love. I hoped that they are kind and generous. And I hoped that they truly know how much I love them.
If you are an unlucky one like me you get to hold your child’s hand for the last time and you have no idea what to whisper. You whisper you don’t know how you can go on without them. You whisper how you hope they knew how much you loved them. You whisper that you will make sure people remember them.
Just like when you hold that new baby and you see the life before them and you with such promise and hope. When you lose your child and hold them for The very last time the unfinished life flashes before your eyes. You see all the things that won’t happen because they are now gone. He will never find his true love. I will never see his blue eyes staring from a child of his own. I will never see him find his purpose in life. I will never see that he found joy in the simple things.
This unfinished life shows you that you may have to go on longer than they were in your life. It shows you that you can have joy and deep sadness all at the same time. This unfinished life feels like a gnawing on your soul. It feels like you have forgotten something with such magnitude and may never remember again. It makes you realize that is now your biggest fear. You fear you will forget the little things as time passes.
This unfinished life takes you back over and over to moments that break your heart even more. The first time they smiled. The first time they said I love you. It takes you back to all this love for them that you now have floating.
There are so many horrible things about losing a child but the unfinished life is the worst.
Today we were supposed to schedule our blog to post at a later time then when we wrote them. So that is what I am doing. I sitting here at my computer at midnight trying to get all these things done. I just don’t seem to have enough time.
I still have tons of homework and a full day of work tomorrow. I can see already that I am going to need to load up on caffeine. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and don’t worry this class is almost over and I will go back to my regular (irregular) blogging. Wish me luck!!!
I got word late last night that a sweet boy lost his battle to cancer. He was only a year younger than Drew. I used to cut his hair and we would always see him and his Mom around town at the school events. It is a a sad day when you realize there is now another mother that knows what you are going through.
My hope is that not one more mother has to bury their child. Have to to live with the what ifs…but we are not alone and we should reach out to others that are going through the same thing. There are times when we are not strong alone but we are together. I hope his mother can reach out and know she is not alone and my heart is with her. Much love to the family. I hope Drew welcomed him with open arms.
Drew’s birthday has come and gone and the actual day wasn’t as bad as the days leading up to it. I had to work and we were so busy. I guess being busy was a blessing. Then that evening the little t-ball team had their first game!!! I went straight from work to the ball field.
I wanted to sponsor a baseball team this year to help spread the smiles. So Smiles sponsored a t ball team called The Fighting Squirrels! Drew would have loved it! Drew played baseball too. I know surprise huh? During the spring we were at Ragel Park almost every night of the week. As the boys got older the practices and games lasted longer and longer.
You don’t realize what memories a place holds until they smack you in the face. I was driving into the parking lot last night to the park and I could feel my eyes filling with tears. I had to check my rear-view mirror to see if I had a car full of stinky boys going to practice. Nope, it was just me. No chatter of who was going to hit the ball over the fence, no dugout songs to practice. Those are good memories I will hold onto and hopefully start making new ones.
In the idea of making new memories Smiles From Drew could always use more support. Whether that is a donation so we can help the kids participate in these activities or volunteering to help us get the word out about us. If you are interested fill out this form and I let me know how you can help.