Music can bring so many emotions. You listen to a song and it can bring you back to the time that you either first heard the song or the reason the song means something to you. Some of my greatest memories are tied to a song. I remember the first tape I had gotten. It was Michael Jackson Thriller. My sister and I got it for Easter and we had to share it. Luckily she was too “young” and I was able to listen to it till it wore out.

There are times when a song comes on it bring backs all those emotions of what was happening when you either first heard the song or that event that happened. Drew loved music. He was always listening to something. When he got older you never saw him without his headphones attached to him. He loved all kinds of music.  I was a country girl so when the kids were young that is what we listened to. He loved listening to Toby Keith and Brad Paisley. As he grew he started getting into his own taste. He loved rap and things I had no idea were really music.

I think his pull towards rap was the bass and that it was more conversational. Drew had a serious hearing issue but would not wear his hearing aids. With that music he could still feel the beat and enjoy the music without missing the lyrics. It amazed me how after hearing the song once he would know the lyrics. He was always singing. Even when we wished he would be quite. My sister’s memory for music is that way too. It takes me a long time to remember the lyrics and I have to be listening to the song to know the lyrics.

We loved going to concerts. Drew’s first concert was Toby Keith. It was Madison’s first concert also. We waited all summer long for him to come to Albuquerque so we could all go. I loved watching the kids enjoy the experience. Dancing, singing, and loving the moment. There are so many of my memories of Drew that involve music. I am so grateful that I have them.

There are moments when a song comes on and it takes my breath away. They just completely and totally remind me of Drew. Tim McGraw’s Humble and Kind is one of them. I feel like it should have been his theme song. Cam’s Burning House brings me back to the time right after I lost Drew. LMFAO Sexy and I know it is one that I can’t hear without thinking of him coming up with his own dance moves. He and my friends kids spent hours dancing to it. I so wish I had video of his dance for that one.

If you were one of his friends let me know what song reminds you of Drew. I would love to hear it!




Birthday weekend….


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Once again this time of year came around. Tomorrow would/is Drew’s 22nd birthday. This year it fell on Monday which means had he been here we would have been partying all weekend. It also means life will go on tomorrow whether I want it to or not. I have work to go to, baseball games to play, and school for Madi.  He loved his birthdays and I loved celebrating one of my greatest joys. I loved looking at him year after year in awe and wonder with the fact I was chosen to be this wonderful person’s mother.

Now I am sitting at home crying till I can’t breathe wondering what on earth did I do to deserve this pain. How did my life get so far off track that I am having to go through this. All week I kept telling myself I should be lucky that I had him for 20 whole years. There are parent’s out there that didn’t get that much time. I kept telling myself I need to remember how much I love him and how much he loved me. I tried…..but I am just not there yet.

I feel cheated. I should have had more time with him. I feel like the life I envisioned and the life he deserved was cruelly taken away. I feel shattered. I see his friends getting married and having kids and I know he will never get to experience that. I feel anger because he KNEW better and the people around should have too. I feel lonely because he gave the best hugs and truly loved to hear how I was doing. I feel ashamed because I should have stopped it. I feel tired for having to be strong all the time if not for me for the girls so they can have “normal’ childhood. I feel all this love for him that has no where to go.

I know this sounds like a pity post and I’m sorry but right now at this moment I am having a hard time seeing my silver lining. I am just a mother that is missing her son and all that he was to me, to his sisters, his family and friends.

If I knew how this story would end and I was giving the choice to still be his mother I would. I would love him more. I guess that is one of the reasons we don’t know when our loves will leave. But I would choose to be his mother because in his 20 years he taught me more than I ever could have without him. I just hope that he would choose me.

Unexpected winter…

Molly on the crest of Mt. Kirkpatrick

Like most of of us in Santa Fe we  woke up this morning with quite a snow storm going on. We had several emotions going around our house. The teenager was bummed out that this epic storm was wasted on a Saturday. A day she already had off of school. The 4 year old was excited to be able to make a snow man.

Yes, it is the last Saturday of April but it is not uncommon for us to get Spring snows. I don’t remember the last time we had that much snow in April. We were supposed to have opening ceremonies for baseball today but thankfully they were cancelled. Although I do remember having baseball games in the snow. I guess that’s New Mexico weather for you.

I was happy for the storm cause it gave me the excuse to not have to run errands or go to town. I was able to spend the whole day home. The bad part is I am nursing a head cold so I wasn’t able to enjoy it quite as much as I would have liked.

I was able to see the secret snow cave Dada and Molly made (mostly Dada). I was also able to make a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup and that always helps warm the soul. I hope everyone was able to stay warm and enjoy the people you had around you today.

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