There are so many things that suck about losing a child. You have so many regrets and wishes and dreams that won’t be fulfilled.
Each time they handed me my brand new babies for the first time I snuggled them close and smelled their wonderful new smell. I also whispered all my hopes and dreams for them. I hoped that they are happy and healthy. I hoped that they experience love. I hoped that they are kind and generous. And I hoped that they truly know how much I love them.
If you are an unlucky one like me you get to hold your child’s hand for the last time and you have no idea what to whisper. You whisper you don’t know how you can go on without them. You whisper how you hope they knew how much you loved them. You whisper that you will make sure people remember them.
Just like when you hold that new baby and you see the life before them and you with such promise and hope. When you lose your child and hold them for The very last time the unfinished life flashes before your eyes. You see all the things that won’t happen because they are now gone. He will never find his true love. I will never see his blue eyes staring from a child of his own. I will never see him find his purpose in life. I will never see that he found joy in the simple things.
This unfinished life shows you that you may have to go on longer than they were in your life. It shows you that you can have joy and deep sadness all at the same time. This unfinished life feels like a gnawing on your soul. It feels like you have forgotten something with such magnitude and may never remember again. It makes you realize that is now your biggest fear. You fear you will forget the little things as time passes.
This unfinished life takes you back over and over to moments that break your heart even more. The first time they smiled. The first time they said I love you. It takes you back to all this love for them that you now have floating.
There are so many horrible things about losing a child but the unfinished life is the worst.
It’s been one of those weeks that even breathing is hard. My longing for my son makes my whole body hurt. I sat today at work and cried all day at my desk while I was doing such mind numbing activities. Today I wondered how I am supposed to go on with this pain inside my chest. How I am supposed to do all the things that are needed of me without him.
It’s no lie that grief ebbs and flows. It’s either the soft waves of sadness or like this week the tsunami of feelings ripping to come to the surface. I had been doing so well for the past few weeks. I keep thinking that if I keep busy then the pain can’t catch up to me. I now know I was lying to myself. I have no idea why this week is so much harder than the past few. Maybe it’s because the season is changing and Drew would have loved to pull out his fishing pole and look for a place to set camp. There are so many things that make me think of him. And once the tears start flowing they are almost impossible to stop. I hate when that happens because then not only does my heart hurt but I physically feel worn out.
They say that immense grief is a sign of your love for the person that died. There are so many things I loved about Drew. When he was little I counted down the time till he would finally go to sleep just so that I could have a few moments without all his intense energy. Then he got a little older and I couldn’t wait till we were done with all the field trips and he could do more things on his own. He got older and I impatiently waited for those crappy teenager years to pass, people would tell me just wait when he hits 20 something all the pissy attitudes will be a distant memory. He was just starting to become a man, to come into his own. Now he’s gone. I will never be able to tell if he took in all my life lessons. Whether he would have been a good cook, finding his dream career. Life is just so unfair. I wish I had known to not wish the time away. To keep looking that future would be better than the now. If I had known…
I know, I know. Life isn’t fair. I’ve been told that my whole life. Everything I have had to deal with up until Drew’s death was a cakewalk compared to this. Nothing and I mean nothing ever prepared me for this feeling I have. I thought I had it bad when their dad and I divorced. No, not even close. It’s just so strange to think that I will never see him smile again, never hear his laugh, tell him he’s gone on enough with his jokes. I wouldn’t even mind smelling his stinky feet right now if that would mean he would be back here with us.
I don’t get many moments to cry and to let the emotion free. Part of that is when I am with the girls, especially Molly, it upsets them. I still have to shop, cook, clean, and do all those things in life we do to “live”. I have always been one of those people that likes to stay busy. I either worked more, went to school, or like now jump in head first getting the non-profit started. Every spare moment I have I use to work on Smiles From Drew. The pain isn’t quite as bad when I see that all my work is doing some good. When I can see that I making some headway and my goals are coming to fruit. Although on days like today I don’t think anything would make me feel better. When I am busy with Smiles, Drew is on my mind but not so much the fact that he’s still not here. I can think in my mind he might be at school or a camping trip. He might just be back at any time. Then days like today the absolute truth of him never coming back hits me with such force that I can’t even think. I know that I have to push through this, I can’t let the feeling take me under. I have too many people depending on me. I know Drew would be devastated to know that the people he most loved gave up on life because he was no longer here. Then there are those days when I just need to keep breathing……..