Music can bring so many emotions. You listen to a song and it can bring you back to the time that you either first heard the song or the reason the song means something to you. Some of my greatest memories are tied to a song. I remember the first tape I had gotten. It was Michael Jackson Thriller. My sister and I got it for Easter and we had to share it. Luckily she was too “young” and I was able to listen to it till it wore out.

There are times when a song comes on it bring backs all those emotions of what was happening when you either first heard the song or that event that happened. Drew loved music. He was always listening to something. When he got older you never saw him without his headphones attached to him. He loved all kinds of music.  I was a country girl so when the kids were young that is what we listened to. He loved listening to Toby Keith and Brad Paisley. As he grew he started getting into his own taste. He loved rap and things I had no idea were really music.

I think his pull towards rap was the bass and that it was more conversational. Drew had a serious hearing issue but would not wear his hearing aids. With that music he could still feel the beat and enjoy the music without missing the lyrics. It amazed me how after hearing the song once he would know the lyrics. He was always singing. Even when we wished he would be quite. My sister’s memory for music is that way too. It takes me a long time to remember the lyrics and I have to be listening to the song to know the lyrics.

We loved going to concerts. Drew’s first concert was Toby Keith. It was Madison’s first concert also. We waited all summer long for him to come to Albuquerque so we could all go. I loved watching the kids enjoy the experience. Dancing, singing, and loving the moment. There are so many of my memories of Drew that involve music. I am so grateful that I have them.

There are moments when a song comes on and it takes my breath away. They just completely and totally remind me of Drew. Tim McGraw’s Humble and Kind is one of them. I feel like it should have been his theme song. Cam’s Burning House brings me back to the time right after I lost Drew. LMFAO Sexy and I know it is one that I can’t hear without thinking of him coming up with his own dance moves. He and my friends kids spent hours dancing to it. I so wish I had video of his dance for that one.

If you were one of his friends let me know what song reminds you of Drew. I would love to hear it!



This semester….

I don’t know what it is about this semester I feel like I am walking in the mud uphill. I think a big part of it is my mind is not in the mode to learn at the moment. I sit in class and I swear the instructor is talking another language.

I went to school for my paralegal degree when Drew started college. It was great I was starting a new adventure and 2 of my friends had started also so I had some great support. Then I graduated, Drew died but Molly got in to the pre-school at the Community College. Someone had to be in school for her to qualify for the program. I decided that I would take media arts classes so I can help Smiles. I was having a hard time with his website and thought I could learn it and do it myself.

I have learned how to write HTML and CSS. I have learned how to turn on Photoshop and how to properly scan items. I have come a long way from when I started but you really need to be able to focus on what you are doing. Thankfully I have met some great people and some great instructors so I will keep at it. Eventually it will all click and I will be so glad that I took these classes but right now I am just tired.


Zombie Golf….

I have wanted to do a big event for Smiles for a long time. The only problem with a big event is that it takes a lot of time and planning. I have been told if you have a great big event then it would cover your nonprofit for most of the year. I have racked my brain as to what we could do but still have the feeling Drew would be a part of it. That has been the hard part. There were so many things that Drew liked, he loved sports, video games, and The Walking Dead.

When I started writing his likes down that’s when I the idea came to me….a Zombie golf tournament. As we all know there are some ideas that are easier said then done. I was beginning to think this was one of those ideas.

Last year I started contacting our local golf courses to see how much it would cost for us to do a tournament. Let me just say Wow! There was no way Smiles could come up with that kind of money. Not to mention, when I started explaining to the people in charge of the golf courses they would just give me a blank stare. They had no idea how we would pull of a Zombie golf tournament. This is the part of the plan that may have been easier said and done. To reach my vision we would have to do the tournament at night. Which means for it to happen at a decent time we would have to wait till it gets darker earlier but by then we risk it being too cold.

I filed all this info away thinking it might be several years before this could happen. It was just going to be too complicated. Then last weekend happened. The girls and I were at the mall shopping for things for prom. Molly wasn’t getting the fact that we weren’t shopping for her and was not digging being at the mall for “no good reason”. Madi took Molly on the train so I could take our bags to the car and there was a lady standing next to a store. The store used to be the arcade in the mall but now it’s Glow in the dark indoor golf! She handed me a paper and said we do fundraisers. I bet if anyone was standing next to me they would have literally seen the light bulb above my head. This was the place we could have our Zombie golf tournament. We wouldn’t have to worry about weather or whether it got dark early enough. I talked to her for a little bit and told her my idea and she was really excited about the idea.  Continue reading “Zombie Golf….”

Some days…..

There are just some days that you wonder why you even left the house….

You are surrounded by people that annoy you to the point that you understand why some people become hermits. You wonder how some of these people have survived as long as they have.
There are times in my path of grief that my patience level is in the negative margin. When I was younger my temper fuse was very short. Minor things used to make me so angry. When I got to my mid-twenties I realized my anger and annoyance was only hurting myself. The person or situation did not care that I was upset. I am sure these people did not stew over the fact that I was annoyed. I am pretty sure that they didn’t even notice. I got to the point that I would take a deep breath and let all that tension and anger go.

Fuck everything happens for a reason

The thing about losing a child is you get angry.

  • You get really angry, you get angry at other people that  have intact families.
  • You get angry at God that your child was taken away.
  • You get angry at yourself that you didn’t stop it and be able to protect your child.
  • You get angry that you go to the store and they are out of the one item you needed.
  • You get angry that someone cut you off in traffic.
  • You are just angry.

There are some days I have no idea why I am angry I just am…..

Here is a blog post about anger and grief.